I am an older woman…but still holding the sharp looks and body for my age. I am married, have been for the last 5 years. But not really happy in the marriage. It is a complicated mess. We went through a rough patch a while. The intimacy stopped, so I thought he was cheating. Saw him on tons of escort and sex sites, and what not…with our intimacy issues for sure thought he was cheating, so I crossed my own line with a woman. Did not do her all the way, but close enough. I felt so dead, unwanted in my marriage, not touched the way I craved, my husband is an exceptional lover, but do not think he is enough for me. We have done the threesomes, as I am a Bi female as well….but it was fun at first, then it was not fun anymore, he would do things to her that he does not do with me, it became uncomfortable, and then such a need in the relationship.
So I told him I did not want to do it any more, the threesomes, even though I loved them, the rush of it all, but he was not really being equal in them, she would get all the attention, and I barely got touched…so we quit, and it was like he was punishing me for that….said I broke the deal…there was no deal made here, he loved the fact that I was Bi, said he always wanted a GF/ Wife like that, but there was no deal made here, so he was angry and disappointed, he gives them all the attention, and not me, kind of bored doing me for the last 5 years, and now something new what was happening, so it made me uncomfortable…and that is when everything changed, our sex like dropped, big time, we barely had sex….he blamed it on stress, not in the mood, the list goes on……
I confessed to him what I had did, crossed the line with a woman, he was (and still is) angry with me, said I hurt his man pride and esteem doing that….I actually went there to meet her not to sleep with her, but for us, thought maybe it would pull us back together, but it has not, and well things happened….I was torn about it, never cheated on any partner before, or done anything like that….but in his anger, he did not care to hear what it has done to me, it tore me bad he was hurt over as well….never wanted to hurt him!!
Our relationship is a hard one, he is very, very emotionally disconnected, old school, where the woman stands behind, and he supports her, well I do not like standing behind, wanted to be right beside him, yes he does work hard and make a lot of sacrifices indeed, but I always have to go to him for money, being my current job is lousy, only a few days to a full pay period, but he gets so angry with me, and it is tearing us apart…….
I am not sure I want the marriage any more, half of me does, the other half does not. I want my own money and bank account and not have to rely on him all the time, I am not getting enough out of him sexually, we do the same stuff over and over, want more, but he cannot give it, I am sexually restless, and not sure why, never been like this before, He has done all these wild and crazy sexual things with ex-girlfriends and escorts that he has been with…but will not do them with me, we do the same positions over and over, I want more sex, wilder, want to feel alive again, I just feel like an empty shell here, There are too many issues with the marriage to list. I am thinking about leaving and just being on my own, I have thought about becoming an escort, to have extra money, and have what I want sexually, feel very selfish saying all these things, but it is tearing me inside to continue the way I am…very confused right now. I have my own bills to pay off, and they are not getting done. My husband carries the heavy front of the house hold bills, so things are tight after he does that, so he does not have a lot extra money to give to me if I need something, so I want to make my own money, not sure what I am going to do….my head is full of confusion!!