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Want to leave and divorce my husband but I dont know how

I have been with this man for 18 years but 12 of it as husband and wife. Now I am reflecting back on my 18 years with him and realizing almost everything about him irritates me, even how much he loves me. We left our families back in Edmonton and we moved to North Vancouver. We have nothing in common, he doesn’t pursue me as he used to, and I have closed myself up completely and am just trying to survive this marriage. We have 3 children together. I have allowed myself to become overweight because I know that if I weren’t, I would find someone and leave. I do not take care of myself because of that fear. I also do it thinking he will eventually stop loving me. But yet, he stays and he loves me as I am. I wish he would just hate me because of my weight and not taking care after anything but he still loves me. If we didn’t have kids, I’d leave regardless of how I looked or if I had a job. I’m just not happy, or attracted to him, and am tired of staying because that’s the Christian thing to do. He doesn’t handle the family’s faith, the money, the bills, the discipline, he’s not a strong type of man and it embarrasses me. Sometime I feel like I am the man in this relationship. I think he’s stupid and boring and the way he disciplines our kids makes me so angry. I have no support system in place because we left our family’s disowned us when we moved here. And so I remain quiet and hope to survive. Maybe one day I will love him again or at least have the courage to leave him and divorce to move on to something new.

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