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I am the secret!

My secret is that I am the secret. I’m the fat girl, and let’s be honest, the fat girl might be fun, kind of pretty in her own way, and maybe really sexual but she’s not good enough date. So I’ve become the secret. I’m good enough to hang out with behind closed doors. I can watch a movie with a guy, make dinner together, have some laughs, and have some great sex but if he sees me on the street he looks the other way.

There is a part of me that understands. If I was a guy I probably wouldn’t date the fat girl either. But there’s this other part that wonders if I were to lose 50 pounds would I be good enough to date? I look around at some couples and say I’m prettier than that chick or she’s bigger than me and she has a cute guy holding her hand walking down the street so why can’t I have that? I can’t have it because I’ve convinced myself I’m not good enough. I think I only deserve the guys that will secretly be my friend but what I really want is to meet someone that will hang out with me even when I say I’m not in the mood to have sex.

Sex has become an arrangement for me. I know if I agree to have sex with someone he’ll spend a couple hours with me whether it be watching a movie or having a couple drinks. But I’m not good enough for anything else and it’s getting harder every day. I’ve been with some of the best looking men and it’s getting boring. I worry if I ever meet someone that feels I am worth a little more than casual sex that I won’t be able to believe him when he says he likes me or thinks I’m pretty or just wants to hang out. Watch a movie or hang out in guy language in my dictionary translates to lets fuck and the minute I say no thanks is the minute I’m not good enough anymore. Why does it have to be so confusing?

Maybe one day I’ll meet someone that sees as more than the secret but right now I have to get ready for my next secret friend.

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