My secret is that I am the secret. I’m the fat girl, and let’s be honest, the fat girl might be fun, kind of pretty in her own way, and maybe really sexual but she’s not good enough date. So I’ve become the secret. I’m good enough to hang out with behind closed doors. I can watch a movie with a guy, make dinner together, have some laughs, and have some great sex but if he sees me on the street he looks the other way.

There is a part of me that understands. If I was a guy I probably wouldn’t date the fat girl either. But there’s this other part that wonders if I were to lose 50 pounds would I be good enough to date? I look around at some couples and say I’m prettier than that chick or she’s bigger than me and she has a cute guy holding her hand walking down the street so why can’t I have that? I can’t have it because I’ve convinced myself I’m not good enough. I think I only deserve the guys that will secretly be my friend but what I really want is to meet someone that will hang out with me even when I say I’m not in the mood to have sex.

Sex has become an arrangement for me. I know if I agree to have sex with someone he’ll spend a couple hours with me whether it be watching a movie or having a couple drinks. But I’m not good enough for anything else and it’s getting harder every day. I’ve been with some of the best looking men and it’s getting boring. I worry if I ever meet someone that feels I am worth a little more than casual sex that I won’t be able to believe him when he says he likes me or thinks I’m pretty or just wants to hang out. Watch a movie or hang out in guy language in my dictionary translates to lets fuck and the minute I say no thanks is the minute I’m not good enough anymore. Why does it have to be so confusing?

Maybe one day I’ll meet someone that sees as more than the secret but right now I have to get ready for my next secret friend.

I met my boyfriend on Plenty of Fish couple of years ago in Kamloops. He got had me addicted to gambling and drugs. He mentally and physically abuses me. He treats me like garbage. He makes me feel hurt, helpless and very small. He always puts me down. I would give anything to be happy the way it was for first few weeks when we met. I would give anything to get the courage to leave him. Despite all these I still love him.

I was chatting one night on yahoo and met a great guy. He was stationed overseas and seemed to be a little lonely. I kept him company almost every night for months. We would chat, cam and get all flirty with each other. Little did I know I would still be chatting with him five years later! Every time I am online and he pops on I get a smile on my face. He is so sweet, hot and I can just imagine what he would be like in bed. He compliments me consistently and makes me all excited. He tells me he has wild dreams about me. I would be excited to hear about them and maybe one day live one out in real life. Until that day we will continue to excite each other from thousands of miles away.

I am a hard working mother, wife, and employee. I have worked since I was 11 years old. To say the least I am tired. There are days where I just want to run away. I want to have no responsibilities and just pack up and go somewhere far far away. Go to a place no one knows me. Sit on a beach or mountaintop without a care. With no one depending on me, with no deadlines, no expectations. Some days I am so tired I just want to cry. I love my life, I love my job, I love my kids, my husband. I will never run away to a mountaintop but at least the fantasy is there. And i will close my eyes and have not a care in the world.

I have never been to church or to any service. I have several friends that go to a variety of different churches. One of my children attends youth group. That I encourage. I know very little about the bible, god, religions and such. I also cannot decide if I believe in evolution or that god created us. Lately a good friend has been encouraging me to attend church. I have debated it many times in my life. I also feel though that I have never attended what makes me think now that I suddenly belong or fit in to an organized religion. I have beliefs, I have morals, and I treat others with kindness. I do not think that not attending church is going to make me less of a person. I often wonder though am I not giving my children the option or choice to make, to decide for themselves if church is something they would like in their life. I am confused at what I should do. I often see church as a place of judgment. Enough people judge me already I don’t need to attend a building where everyone would. Then again maybe it would make me a better person, more understanding, to have something to believe in. So the debate goes on in my head. I would go in an instant if someone such as my child, or my husband wanted to go. I just have not had the drive to make the move on my own. My other fear is I don’t want to become a person that cannot function without god. You know those people that think everything they do or have is because of their love of god or is god’s will. Everything I have or do is because of my drive, desire, wants, needs, and beliefs. Not someone controlling what I do. So the great debate lies, is church for me. Or will I continue life being the best person I can without organized religion judging who I am.