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Cheating on husband – being private escort

I have a very complicated situation on my hands. I cannot believe what I have allowed myself to fall into, out of desperation, and not being satisfied enough.

I am married, have been the last 7 years. I love my husband so very much, he sacrifices everything to make sure people around him have everything, and asks very little of himself. But the marriage is a hard one. I have a crappy job, I only get a few days to a full pay period, hate it, so I have to rely on him for money if I need something, I hate it!! he pays the heavy, heavy bills, mortgage, utilities, there was a time I would give him one third of my pay checks to help out, well can’t do that anymore because my work has been so slow…..I have been stressing and depressing about this, wanting a better job and what not, wanting my own money so I do not have to rely on him, he does not understand that, and thinks I should be happy that he looks after me. Well I do not want to be “looked after” I want to help just as much, and have my own money when I need something, and not take it from him…feel guilty because he pays out so much, and feels like I am taking whatever money he does give me away from something he could be paying off.

The other part of the marriage that is hard ….. he is very disconnected. We have no real communication. He hates feelings and emotions, and hates when I display them, or talk about them, so we close up …. He gets angry, stresses out, everyone gets it, especially me, he gets cold and nasty…then apologizes like it is nothing. I tell him it hurts me when he talks to me like that, but he continues ….. We are getting along now, pretending there is nothing wrong, when there is so much wrong with this marriage. He has been married few times before me, and every marriage has had the same issues, cold and disconnection from him.

The other half is that I am not getting a lot of sexual fulfillment from him. We hardly have sex. He is on the road a lot due to his work, and I think and feel he has cheated on me while he is away. I would never know, but think he has….we have no real intimacy…he does not touch me like a man should, I want him to make me feel alive like he once did, but he does not, I am not getting enough from him…..in the process of me accusing him of cheating on me, I cheated on him with a woman ( I am a Bi female) he was hurt and crushed and punished me for it with his ways.

Well I am now doing the one thing that will destroy us forever….I am a Private escort while he is out of town, for one I want to make extra money so I do not have to take it from him all the time (as things are tight) want my own money and bit of freedom, and I am not getting enough sexual needs from him…we do the same things over and over, same positions over and over, we do not change it up….I want to play with him and be his personal little slut kind of thing, but we never get there. I love my husband, but I am not getting enough from him, and what I am doing is so wrong. It makes me sick, but I cannot stop, half of me does, the other half will not let me. I gear the nights I work when he is away, and when he is home, I shut things off….it is maddening, I have never been so driven to this feeling of where I need more sex, and cheating on my husband with other men to get that, eventually I have to leave, and stop doing this to him, it will destroy him in the end….I have never, never been the kind of girl to ever cheat on any partner, or be so sexually hungry where it is driving me to cheat on one before like this!!

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