My secret is that I am the secret. I’m the fat girl, and let’s be honest, the fat girl might be fun, kind of pretty in her own way, and maybe really sexual but she’s not good enough date. So I’ve become the secret. I’m good enough to hang out with behind closed doors. I can watch a movie with a guy, make dinner together, have some laughs, and have some great sex but if he sees me on the street he looks the other way.

There is a part of me that understands. If I was a guy I probably wouldn’t date the fat girl either. But there’s this other part that wonders if I were to lose 50 pounds would I be good enough to date? I look around at some couples and say I’m prettier than that chick or she’s bigger than me and she has a cute guy holding her hand walking down the street so why can’t I have that? I can’t have it because I’ve convinced myself I’m not good enough. I think I only deserve the guys that will secretly be my friend but what I really want is to meet someone that will hang out with me even when I say I’m not in the mood to have sex.

Sex has become an arrangement for me. I know if I agree to have sex with someone he’ll spend a couple hours with me whether it be watching a movie or having a couple drinks. But I’m not good enough for anything else and it’s getting harder every day. I’ve been with some of the best looking men and it’s getting boring. I worry if I ever meet someone that feels I am worth a little more than casual sex that I won’t be able to believe him when he says he likes me or thinks I’m pretty or just wants to hang out. Watch a movie or hang out in guy language in my dictionary translates to lets fuck and the minute I say no thanks is the minute I’m not good enough anymore. Why does it have to be so confusing?

Maybe one day I’ll meet someone that sees as more than the secret but right now I have to get ready for my next secret friend.

My secret is about my father and how he ruined my life with other men. He is a very loving and caring person, but he has anger issues. When I was very young he would back me into walls and yell and me until I cried. He once pulled my brother by the hair and he called us “ungrateful brats” often. Now that I am all grown up I am afraid of men having control over me. I try not to get involved with any guys. Sex with a guy would be like giving up all control and make me extremely vulnerable. No matter how much I want it, I can’t have sex with men now and I blame it on my father.

My secret is that I lost my virginity to an escort from The Kali Project in Prince George last year because I needed to get laid. Of course I have never told anyone about this but thank God for My Secrets site I can confess to it without anyone knowing who I am. I’ve never had any luck with girls. The only girl I have ever really connected with lives 6000 kilometers away in Norway and I only know her over the internet via Plenty of Fish dating site. If I hadn’t have lost my virginity with this escort, I’d have still be a virgin. No one really understands and wonders if there’s something wrong with you and how weird it is to still be a virgin when most of your friends have had several girlfriends by the time they are 25. This idea of waiting for someone special is a load crap. I think it’s fairly common for those who are late bloomers to lose virginity to an escort. Most just don’t admit it. Really what woman is going to want to see a man who can’t perform in bed by choice when there are lots of other men who know what they’re doing? It is especially true in Prince George. You will not find a girl for you if you are a nerd or not *cool* enough.

I don’t regret losing my virginity to this escort from The Kali Project at all. The first time was pretty weird to be honest. But the escort was nice and understanding. She knew what she was doing. After we finished I sort of realized that sex is no big deal really. I don’t feel any particular shame for losing it that way, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with paying for sex. Paying up front for an hour of a girl’s time is not really different from a regular relationship, where you take her out for dinner, be nice for few hours, pretend to be someone you are not just to get into her pants. If anything paying her upfront and being yourself is more honest.

I am 28, live in a small town called Prince George and I hate the world and have never been happy with anything in life. I didn’t know who my father was growing up. My mom was always out partying, leaving me with babysitters. I started doing drugs since I was 15. I never thought anyone was like me, but then I met this 25 year old from Quesnel and she feels the same way I do and she even felt the same about being alone. I convinced myself that I can be happy if I was around her. Instead of telling her how I feel, I told her to go and find happiness in another person, but deep down I know I really want to be the source of her happiness. The fact is it depresses me and makes me think she does not need me anymore, but it’s my fault. I was the person she would rely on when she was having bad days. Now I am pretty much just a pity case. Sometimes I just wish I was never born. We plan on having me visit her next month, but it’s probably just pity. I can’t tell her how I feel or she’ll be burdened with my problems. I feel if I lose her I think I’ll lose the only thing that was ever close to me. I don’t know what to do.

I was chatting one night on yahoo and met a great guy. He was stationed overseas and seemed to be a little lonely. I kept him company almost every night for months. We would chat, cam and get all flirty with each other. Little did I know I would still be chatting with him five years later! Every time I am online and he pops on I get a smile on my face. He is so sweet, hot and I can just imagine what he would be like in bed. He compliments me consistently and makes me all excited. He tells me he has wild dreams about me. I would be excited to hear about them and maybe one day live one out in real life. Until that day we will continue to excite each other from thousands of miles away.